Outside

Today is looking to be a pretty good day.
I woke up this morning not overly optimistic. I have no motivation to do any coursework mainly because I see no point.
I am failing it, there's no two ways about it. I'm not going to pass this course, I'm one hundred percent sure. Even if I did keep going, it would take me far too long to gain my degree. Far longer than I'm willing to sacrifice.
But anyway, that's not the point of this post.
So far, today has been good.
When I got up, the weather was nice. It was warm enough for me to go out in just a t-shirt (well... I went out wearing just a t-shirt in winter... but never mind that.)
I did a little coursework this morning and then I got to break free; into the garden I went!
Well... I did have stuff to do. The garden was looking a bit of a mess and so, for this morning, I became Ben Skelly: gardener.
I won't lie, I had a good time. Just being out in the sun was fun and clearing up the garden let me rest the studying part of my mind and let my imagination play about a bit. And it's very satisfying to look at a tidy garden knowing that you did all the work yourself (not to mention earned £10 doing it... lol)

I've slowed down on the creativity a little. I hadn't worked on my story for a while until last night, but I got back into it quickly and soon the creative juices were flowing. I'm really quite proud of this story, and I'm really enjoying writing it for myself. It isn't for anyone, it's not to be published or whatever. It's for me.
Also, today I got paid! WOO! So it was time to add a little more music to my life ;) I bought two things. First, I ordered a cd from Amazon that I'd wanted for quite some time. It's full of great music (and I know Minna will be pleased to hear this); I ordered the Wicked musical cd. :D I can't wait till it comes. Until then, I turned to iTunes for something new. One of my favourite singers, Julia Nunes, has recently released a new EP and so I couldn't help but download it. She's such a great artist, I love her voice and her music and, gah, it's just great! Everyone should check her out. She's released two albums, Left Right Wrong and I Wrote These, and her new EP is called I Think You Know. She's just great.
This evening will be a good one indeed; soon I'll be off to the quiz and chips evening at the school Steve works at. Last time we won; we can do it again! ;)
Victory will be ours (or so we hope).
Lastly, this week I'm going away for a few days (and I need it). We're not going away anywhere spectacular, just to stay with some friends. But they live further out into the country than we do so it'll be a nice change to get away from everything and relax a bit. It'll be good; Sunday afternoon I get to see the baptism of two friends, Chris and Sam, which will be really great. Then I get to spend a few days walking into the fields and just spending time away from people and cars and too many buildings. It's very much needed I guarantee.
Not sure I'll get any access to the internet whilst I'm away so, until Wednesday afternoon, I will bid you ADIEU!

Out of place.

I think I am finally starting to understand why I am feeling such dissatisfaction with this place and I don't know why I didn't realise it before. It's always been the way. I've always had people laughing at me and calling me names.
I don't fit in here.
I never have. I am and always have been so out of place and I am really starting to feel it now. I'm so out of the ordinary and it's so obvious. For example, everyone else I know loves football and just sport in general. I don't. I don't mind tennis and having a kickabout and stuff like that, but sport in general holds no interest for me.
I am so out of the ordinary and I really really feel it. I feel like I don't belong here, like I was born in totally the wrong place. It annoys me.
I've always wondered why I have so few friends and I think it's simply because I'm too different.

But this is what I want. I don't want to blend in. I don't want to be one of the crowd. But sometimes I wish I had someone who would stand out with me.

se la vie

Oh the immaturity

I never thought this could make me so happy...

Sigh...

I get so tired
At this constant criticism
From all
In all
Which is never the same
This superficiality
Makes me so tired
Error only
Talk about anything
Make sense
I want to create
Something beautiful
Which means
If not for anyone else
maybe just for me


Spontaneous, pointless blog from a frustrated [man]. I think I will do something surprising very soon.

Stolen/ translated from Minna Torma, with a few adaptations. I find it to be pretty applicable.

HELP

I DON'T HAVE A CLUE! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
I should be doing an assignment right now, but I can't remember anything.
Seriously, I can't remember a thing. I'm screwed.
WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME!? I try my best, but that obviously isn't good enough. I fall behind, but I study my backside off to get caught up. Do I get caught up? NO! I don't get any further behind...
Ugh, screw this. I can't do it. I've had enough. I really have. Nothing ever goes right and I just can't take it any more. UGH! My life fails so unbelieveably hard.
I can't do this any more. I've had enough. I try and I try but nothing is good enough.
I know learning and studying isn't supposed to be fun, but this is ridiculous. It's making me consider things I've never considered before and it isn't good. At all. I can't take any more. I need to stop. It's too hard and I'm not good enough.
I actually, physically hate it.

I would very much like to not wake up.

All the small things

This morning I didn't want to wake up. I've never wanted to wake up less.
I woke up with my head under the pillow. I crushed myself against the wall trying to block out the light. I didn't want the day to come, the night was too short. I pressed the pillow down onto my head trying to close up any cracks that would let the light in. It didn't work.
I flipped over on my back pressing the pillow down onto my face. No. That's totally not worth doing. Too much to live for yet I don't want to wake up. So, after a couple of calls from mum, I got up. Cursing the sun.
Meh. Life and I are not on the best of terms right now.

It's surprising how small things can cheer you. Little things that don't really last long. They last for a few seconds, not even that, and they're gone.
After a day of melting my mind with coursework I went out for a walk. I decided to go round my normal haunt using ways and paths I don't normally use.
As I walked down beside the river, a flash of blue with a little red streked past me. It was a Kingfisher. I've seen them before on that river, but never that far up.
It made me smile. They're not very common and to see one so close and in this area was like a little ray of sun.

I love little moments like that. I wish more of them came along more frequently.

Hang on.

No I don't. If they did they wouldn't be as special.

summer summer summer

I want summer. I've had enough of this medicre weather. There's nothing spectacular about it. It's just... The only thing I can say to describe it is "meh". It's just boring.
I want some sunnnnn! I can't wait till summer's here.
No more coursework! Camp will be coming around! Oh man, all the memories from camp last year. I can't wait for next year. I'm hoping to visit Alice. That's going to be so awesome. If I manage to do it, then this year will be the best year ever; I'll have Met Minna and Alice. My two favourite people ever. Meeting Minna was just too awesome for words and I know it'll be the same with Alice.
Oh yeah.
I almost forgot. ;)
I have tickets to see a little band at a little venue on the 11th of September. The little band is Muse, and the little venue is Wembley stadium.
Every time I watch a video of Muse live the excitement builds a little more. I really can't wait. For the first time and after years of wanting to I will see my favourite band ever in one of the greatest venues. Oh yeah, standing too... I SERIOUSLY CANNOT WAIT! OMANOMANOMAN!
Songs I really really really hope they play:

• Microcuts
  
• MK Ultra
• Butterflies & Hurricanes
  
• Cave
  
• Map of the Problematique
  

I know, cave is a little optimistic as is Microcuts... But a guy can dream.
I can't belive this is going to happen. I'm actually going to see Muse.
Hurry up and get here September. Pleeze.
I need to keep dreaming up new things to do. Norwich is so dull and I need stuff to do. My dreams are all occupied with getting enough money together to get over to Sweden for a week or two. I need to see something that is totally different to here. I think Sweden fits the bill pretty well...
I'm dying to do something new. Something... extraordinary. Norwich doesn't really have that for me :/

Creativity 2.0

Life. I currently have no desire to be acquanted with it. I find it generally offensive and irritating. It's a nice thing, but I wouldn't mind it if it just buzzed off. I've had enough of it.

However, there is one thing that helps me to forget how much the life I'm living currently is unsatisfactory: writing.
Whether it's blogging like this or being creative with my writing. It's like I have a viaduct for everything in my head. Especially for my imagination. Trapped for so long, it can now find it's way out.
I love this. I've never written anything I was proud of. I'd never had enough inspiration to write more than 3 short paragraphs about anything. But I'm inspired now. I don't know where it's coming from. But it is coming. Finally, the creatures and people in my mind and of my imagination are getting a debut in written form. I'm so glad that I can finally express myself.
Typing about it, it makes me feel free and happy. For so long I've had things to say and no way to say it. No way to communicate the ideas and thoughts and desires in my mind and heart.
No longer am I silent.
Thank goodness.

Stuck

Do you ever get that feeling of dissatisfaction with life in general? The feeling you get when you know there is so much more out there in the world to see and you've seen none of it? The feeling you get when you realise how big the world is and how small where you live is?
That's me right now. I'm so sick of Norwich. It's like something inside me has woken up. I've lived here for 20 years and I need more. My feet are itchy and my heart is full of wander-lust. I've walked the streets of Norwich so many times, I've seen the same shops and the same buildings and the same places over and over again and I've had enough. I need more.
The world is huge, and Norwich is tiny. I need to get away and see a little bit more of it, and soon. Very soon. Or else I'm going to go crazy, literally.
I feel stifled and stuck. Like I'm in this little box and everything I want to do and see is outside the box.
I can't stay here much longer. I need to get away. I don't even want to leave permanently, I just need to see more of the world.
Sweden. My only hope. I have friends there and it's all I can think about right now. Mountains and clean air and places I can go where there is no one but me. Please, please, please let me get what I want this time. Sweden is what I want.
Anywhere but here is what I want.

Creativity

Welcome back. I've missed you.
Don't stay away so long next time.

Norwich and The Swinging Chandeliers

This morning was not a good morning. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

This afternoon was a heck of a lot better. Despite having no real reason to, I took a trip into Norwich. Turned out to be one of the best days I've spent there. I've lived in Norwich all my life, but I'd never just wandered and looked at it. And so, today, on this lovely warm day, that is exactly what I did. And I noticed many new, little things about it.
I never knew there was a clock at one end of the Royal Arcade. There are a lot of buildings in Norwich that are pretty old and really nicely designed. There's some lovely architecture around. Walking aimlessly around Norwich in the sun was not at all bad.

And during my wanderings I happened to go down Gentleman's Walk. Playing in the best place possible (if you know Norwich, just outside Lush, near the Carphone Warehouse) were an outstanding classic jazz and swing three-piece called the Swinging Chandeliers. I can't tell you how excellent they were, their sound was so sweet and organic. Not forced in any way, and they added a little humour to their performace with some witty banter and interaction with people.
The bass player was a dude. I kept going back to watch them cause they and their music cheered me up no end and he recognised me. Gave me a bit of a nod every time. :P I bought their cd. £10 which was, in my mind, an absolute bargain.

After a terrible morning, this was exactly what I needed.

My "Death Star"

I feel stuck. I feel frustrated.
I've had enough of these same four walls every day of every week. I've had enough of the stress this course is putting onto me. And this course is getting me down. I can't see where I'm going. I can't see what I'll do once I've finished and got my degree. I don't even want to do anything to do with science, I know that much. I want to be creative. I want to be able to use my mind and my imagination to create things that are amazing and beautiful. But I don't know where I'll go once I've finished. I've had enough of having no direction and it scares the heck outta me...
But most of all I've had enough of never doing anything. Nothing ever new or exciting ever comes my way and it's really getting to me. I don't need constant excitement and adventure. My imagination provides enough of that. But it just seems like I see everybody else doing things and having their own adventures and I'm stuck here. In dulls-ville...
I want to do something for once. I want to live for once. Okay, I may be alive, but being alive isn't the same as living. I need to find my death star.
This is a concept that I've really taken on. It's something that I've realised I need to have in my life. It comes from a stupid little movie called "Fanboys." The basic plot is, these four Star Wars geeks want to break into Skywalker Ranch to steal the unfinished version of Star Wars: Episode 1. This is the last big thing that one of the characters, Linus, will do because he has been diagnosed with cancer. Another of the characters, Eric, has been told by his father that he will get the family business, but he has to come home from this adventure at once. At one point in the movie, Eric is sitting by the side of the road deciding what to do. The other three guys, Linus, Windows and Hutch come and sit with him and Hutch, the stupid, cocky one, comes out with this gem which struck me as something I need in my life.

Hutch: You gotta find your Death Star...
Eric: Okay, I'll bite...
Hutch: The greatest deed Luke Skywalker ever did was take down the Death Star, right? As far as I'm concerned that's what everybody needs. You need that one badass thing that you live on forever...

I need to find my Death Star. I need to do something awesome. Just for once. So that once I've finished my degree and once I've got a job and once I've found someone and got married and had kids and I have a family I can look back on it and say, "You know what? That was indeed amazing."

Imagination

My imagination is something valuable to me. It's highly active. I can take words and phrases, images, sounds, characters, ideas and create whole worlds around them. Something small and seemingly insignificant can spark something in my mind that will catch fire and my imagination will work it's magic. I love it. I think I've been able to keep it for so long because I'm really just a big kid at heart.
Or maybe holding on to my imagination is what has kept me child-like...
People grow up so fast. They lose the child in them and they lose the love and innocence of life. As a child everything in the world is so big and so much fun and so full of adventure. But we're all forced to grow up.
But I never want to. I will grow old, but I will never grow up. The day I grow up is the day I lose the child within me. The day I lose the child within me is the day I lose my imagination.
Never.
My imagination isn't just a creating tool for me. It makes my memories less like memories and more like stored realities. The good memories I have are stored so vividly that I can close my eyes and it's like I'm living them all over again. Not only that, but I can look on my memories from the outside. As if I'm someone else watching as they happened in the first place.
This is a part of me that I never want to lose, I never want to let go of. There are so many good things embedded in my mind because of my imagination.
I'm so thankful for it. Without it the memories from my London trip would be just that; memories.
But they're not. They're living moments captured in my mind. Moments I never want to forget.
I can see the memories. How it felt to see Minna's surprised face for the first time. Looking at her face and being able to see every little detail, without any webcam pixelation. Being able to hold her hand whenever I want. I can remember exactly what it was like to hug her. I can remember these and everything else we did. Without my imagination, they would just be cold memories.

I will never grow up.
I will never forget.

Defying Gravity

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

*

I think it's time I tried defying gravity.
Cheesy? Maybe. True? Yep.
Life's too short and I have no time for what-if's.
"The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all." However the reckless die horrific deaths.
I think it's time I started making my own mistakes. Mistakes are what make us. Mistakes =/= failures. You fail if you don't try. Thomas Edison tried, unsuccessfully, over 10,000 times to make an electric lightbulb before he was succesful. When asked about it he didn't see that he'd failed, he simply found 10,000 ways not to make a lightbulb.
I can't live someone else's life. I have to live mine.

The afternoon lag

Over the past few weeks I have worked out that, after studying since approximately 9:00 AM with a couple of short, 15/20 minute breaks, I suffer from a mid afternoon drop in energy that I have entermed "the afternoon lag". It generally occurs at approximately 3:45 PM and it is characterised by general inability to concentrate on, well, anything in particular and a desire to... sleep. I cannot concentrate on coursework. I can hardly concentrate on writing this post. I am working on curing "the afternoon lag" with coffee and face slapping. I am potentially considering a short nap or possibly an excursion from my room into the outside world.
I will update this post when any solution becomes apparent.

yours sleepily/ distractedly
Ben

*

Update.
I have found the cause of "the afternoon lag" to be low blood sugar. An effective solution to this was (in this instance) a mug of coffee, a chocolate chip bun and an apple.

Enough of this faux scientific sillyness. I think my coursework has gone to my head...

Thank you, Alice.

"I believe with all my heart that, if you work towards it, you'll at least get close, if not go straight to the top of your goal, way past your expectations"

Keep Holding On

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go, you know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to and end
with you by my side, I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend

Keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly

Keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep Holding On - Avril Lavigne

Dedicated to Alice and Minna, my two best friends.
Alice; you're not alone.
Minna; So far away. I wish you were here.

I'm scared

I'm scared I won't be good enough. I'm scared that, when it all boils down to it, I wasn't good enough to complete this course. It's going to take me ages to finish it, so I can't afford to waste a years worth of study. I can't afford to drop this course or fail it. I just can't afford it.
If I get all of the neccesary marks, I'll be done in another 4 years. FOUR YEARS! If I miss the marks from this course, that'll be another year onto my estimated graduation date. I AM NOT GRADUATING WHEN I AM 25!
I. AM. NOT.
I will finish this course, even if it kills me, and I will get all the neccesary points. I can't bloody waste time >_<.

So Ben. How is life?

Life, all considered, is very good right now.
I am revoltingly happy, if I am totally honest with you. I'm at peace, I'm satisfied, I'm happy, I don't feel alone. It's a great feeling to actually be happy to wake up (so to speak), to not regret seeing the sun through your curtains, to not pull the covers over your head and whisper, "why? Why couldn't this have been the last time I slept?"

Monday, 8th of March 2010 was one of the best days of my life. Meeting up with Minna for the first time ever was amazing. Up until then she had only existed as a somewhat pixelated face, upper body and arms (and occasionally some knees) over webcam and a voice over skype that would occasionally fade out.
That moment when I was walking up the platform and I saw her standing there was awesome. "OHMANTHERESHEISSHE'SREAL!" went through my mind.
To be able to physically hug this person I've wanted to hug for so long was brilliant. Anytime I wanted to, I could reach out and hold her hand. It was great. It was an odd feeling when I had to leave. I was sad that I had to go, I didn't want to. It always happens when I have to leave friends, I could feel a small lump pushing up in the back of my throat. "no no, I'm not gonna cry."
But, as I stood in Liverpool Street hugging Minna for the last time in London I felt the happiness push away the lump. I didn't want the last things I rememberd of Minna to be sad. And they weren't.
Now my feet won't touch the ground by Coldplay is the song I will always associate with London, and every memory it brings back is great.

<- Minna and I down by the thames embankment. This day was so good. I miss it. I miss her. Skype will have to do until we get around to meeting again. I hope it wont be too long. Anyway, ttfn.

ttfn tumblr

Welcome to my world.
Hi, I'm Ben. I'm a 20 year old someone who doesn't really have a clue. About anything in general.
I care too much and too deeply. I love my friends more than they'll ever know, probably.
I joined tumblr to blog on, but that became more of a social thing.
This is where I now blog. I reserve tumblr for mucking about on, posting random nonsense and generally being an idiot.
I'll still hold onto my private tumblr, for things I only want certain people to see.
Anyway, quick opening post. More to come I expect.