Drawing a Blank

Everyone seems to know what they're doing. Everyone seems to have a plan set out before them with a few backups just in case what they're focusing on doesn't pan out in the long run. They have things to fall back on. So many people I meet have had a clear idea of what they wanted to do with their life from a very young age, and they've had a very clear path established, detailing how they should approach it and how they should reach said end goal.

Me? I'm clueless.

I'll openly admit it. I don't have the slightest idea of what I want to do with my life. And that is a difficult and scary thing; something that's been on my mind a lot recently. I lack conviction, and I lack the ability to fully commit to something for the long term. I have committed in the past. I committed 4 years of my life to study with the Open University, however that came to nought. On a slightly less academic/occupational level, I committed almost a year of my life to someone whom I assumed - no, was convinced I would marry. Yet here I sit, a single man. I find it hard to commit to something that will take more than a few weeks to accomplish. What if I dedicate two, three years to something - maybe studying towards something I feel I want to do now - and then find, at the end of those three years, that it's not for me. That I have no interest in it any longer. That I have, once again, wasted my time and money. And I'm scared because of this.

I'm scared that I'll never accomplish anything, but I'm also scared of trying to accomplish something.

Ha! How's that for a paradox.

I try and think through the things I love. The things I have a passion for. The things that give me joy and happiness. Now, there's the obvious and primary - my faith. God. That's what gives me joy and peace ultimately. It's how I can sit here and write this without falling off my bed and shaking myself to death, honestly. But how can that convert into a job? Really, it can't. Unless I wanted to go to bible school and become the pastor of a church somewhere (hint: I really don't).
But what else is there? I love popular culture and I love technology and I love nature and the outdoors and people.
Books. And this is what my mind keeps on returning to. There is one true love in my life, after my Lord, and that is the written word on the printed page. The stories that flow from the minds of stunningly gifted men and women. The people and worlds they create which whisk me away from the one in which I live. Or the commentaries they make about this world which open my mind up to new possibilities, new perspectives and new ways of considering what I've always taken for granted. There is nothing I would love more than to work, in some way, with books. And with people. People and books together. Books make people happy: I want to make people happy: I want to work with books. I want to make people happy with books. This is not a difficult progression to follow.

But... how? How do I go about it? And this is the question that I get stuck at almost every time. Where do I go? What do I do? I love words and I love language, and stories, and books. Math is difficult. I struggle with it, I struggle to find my way through it. Words. I understand words. I'm not academic, and I'm not scientific, but words just work when they're strung together, offering me ideas through narrative. Academia is beyond me; you can offer me a detailed manual of how to do something, but I will never understand it as well as I will if I can watch and attempt.
Narrative construction... now that's what I get.

I have no direction, and I dearly wish I did. I need one good, solid first step laid out in front of me from which I can follow on. Or a selection of good, solid first steps from which I could choose because at the moment... everything seems so insubstantial. My ideas seem unobtainable, or ill advised. And I don't know what to do.