I've been thinking a lot about things to come. What they might be and whether they're anything like the things I hoped they would be. I know that there is an awful lot that I never thought I'd be doing/ taking part in/ aiming for that is now a part of my life that I take for granted. For example, the first career path I wanted to follow was the job title of "digger driver". Yes, there was a point in my young life where I was so infatuated with construction material that I wanted to dedicate my career to it. :P But, you know, people change... I changed. By my approximation, there's been 4 main career sweeps; 1. digger driver, 2. zoologist, 3. working with the environment in some capacity, 4. child development/ childcare. I would never have said that, by the time I was 21, I'd be aiming for a degree in child development. And yet there's still things I am unsure about. I'm not entirely decided about where I want to go after I gain my degree (even if I finish it; you never know, something better might come along).
It's something that has always struck me about the people my age that I watch on youtube and whose blogs I read; they have so much direction and drive and seem to be so able to achieve it. For example, Kayley Hyde a.k.a owlssayhoot. He passion is travelling and she is somehow able to fund this passion and is also able to fit it around courses and things like that. I could do neither, no matter how much I wish I could. There's no way I could fund travelling and there's no way I could be forward thinking enough to work course work around it.
This is something that I always have been and always will be jealous of; I struggle with direction. with knowing what the next move should be. Currently, I feel like I'm on my road and heading the way I should be heading. But I have this deep central feeling that I'll never be anything grand. I'll never do anything to change or shake the world and that's really sad. There's so many young people that I see moving towards being world shakers and world changers. People who are normal, eccentric, every day kind of girls and guys. But they all have one thing in common and that is a high aim and a drive to achieve it. I've always felt that I should aim high, that way when I fall short of my target it'll still be fairly high... And it just frustrates me because I see myself being oh so very mundane. Living my life out comfortably. Living on the edge of this vast "youtube culture" of epic, world rocking people whom I would dearly love to be one of. But I guess I never will. I don't have the vision. I don't have the ability to aim high enough because I am programmed with the mindset of failure. I am sure that anything I set out to do that is too ambitious will not succeed... And I hate it. I wish I could break this. But... it's a relic from my past; a scar, if you will. But that is in and of itself a blog post...
But at the end of the day, I need to stop focussing on how epic I think these people are. As great as Alex Day and Kristina Horner and Charlie McDonnell and Kayley Hyde are there's one big problem; they're not me. The only person I ever need to compare myself to is the person I was yesterday. It's easier said than done though. It's hard for me to set aside the achievements of others and to say to myself, "Good for them. Now I need to make my own achievements."
The only human worth measuring myself against is myself. But bearing that in mind is easier said than done.
It's kinda funny. I've felt like this for a while, and although I don't feel it as strongly as I did last summer, it's still there. I've never really had a way to express it up until now. It's funny how you read books and watch movies which lend you the words you need...
"I go to seek a great perhaps" - Looking for Alaska
Hutch: You've gotta find your Death Star.
Eric: Ok, I'll bite...
Hutch: The greatest deed Luke Skywalker ever did was take down the Death Star, right? As far as I'm concerned that's what everybody needs. You need that one, bad-ass thing that lets you live on forever, you know.
- Fanboys
I hope that one day I'll find my great perhaps... my Death Star.
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