Thoughts

All of these thoughts and ideas race round my head. They disturb me and shock me and irritate me and hurt me. I'm a mess; a mixed up, stupid, angry, sad, overjoyed, ridiculous kid inside a 20 year olds body. I'm lost with no idea of what to do and what to say. I want to say things to people, I want to tell them how I feel but I can't. I'm afraid of the consequences. I'm afraid of the changes, the results. I'm afraid of myself.
I always hurt those people I care for most. I'm dangerous, I shouldn't be allowed to talk to people; I always end up causing them pain. Always. I hate being me... I'm not useful. I try and help, but I can't. And I'm too nice. I shouldn't be so nice, it only hurts people. I should be more of a douche; more mean, nasty. Maybe I'll do that; become meaner. That way people won't want to get to know me. They won't like me. They won't start to like me too much and I won't hurt them. I won't care about people, I won't ask how they are, I won't tell them I love them, I won't do things for them. Because that way, no one would want to be around me and then the only person I could hurt is myself.
I would so love to be able to do that. But I can't.
I care too much. I care too much about everyone. I give a shit whether or not they're having a good or a bad day. I couldn't become that person because I'd hate every day of my life more and more until I would do the world a favour and jump off a bridge.
I wish I didn't care.
But I do.
I can't change it. There are parts of me I can change... That is not one of them.
I hate it and I love it so much at the same time.
My head is such a mess.