The Glorious Tale of Eggy Rite part 1

By Ben and Emily; born from that madness that only late nights can bring.

Come near, dear children, and I will tell you tale of the most magnificent superhero that ever did live. He has a heart of gold, an honourable spirit and the most glorious mane of hair you ever did see. Listen closely as I tell you the story of his mild mannered, every-day persona, Edgar Wright, and the dreadful events that cause him to take up the cloak of EGGY RITE once again...

***

There exists a website dedicated to the praise and love of Edgar Wright.

He looks at it every day to remind himself that people love him because otherwise he would just wander around his house, flushing cake in every one of his 17 bathrooms as he cries into his bathroom rug which is in the shape of Scott Pilgrim's face. He then goes into his private cinema and watches his movies on a loop and phones his famous friends and tells them how great his movies were.

whilst brushing his luscious mane and eating smarties. But only the blue ones. He has people to separate them. He savours them in the gap between his two front teeth before drinking mountain dew in copious amounts.

"Oh god" he sighs. "So alone!"

"You're not alone," says Nick Frost.

"You're just being melodramatic," says Simon Pegg.

A wide grin creeps over his face as Nick produces a large cake.

"um, I was given this by my friend the other day. It's really moist..."

Edgar's eyes widen and an idea forms.

"Nick," Simon says. "It's happening again... look at his face..."

Nick looks at his face. "It's... so beautiful..." mumbles nick.

Edgar is so shocked by his friend's comment that he gasps.

Nick shakes his head and looks sheepish before expplaining "um... I meant... the cake. The cake is so beautiful. We need to give it a proper send off because I can't eat it all myself."

"Oh....right" Edgar's face turns to disappointment. Was Nick denying it, or was he really referring to the cake? Well, he does like cake a lot.

Simon, feeling awkward about all this, suddenly piped up. "Eggy, where is the nearest toilet nearest the nearest kitchen? We need a knife and a porcelain grave for this sweet delicacy."

"Finally" Edgar thinks. Cake flushing had always been a hobby that the trio cherished. He loved his two best friends so much and these were surely the happiest moments of his life.

"Oh you needn't worry about getting a knife..." and with a flourish, Egar produced a long, silver cake knife from his sleeve. "I am always prepared for a situation such as this"

Simon and Nick stand in shock. That was a little odd. But they overlooked it, and walked upstairs to the bathroom.

As the three of them stood round the empty porcelain abyss, awaiting to take the poor sponge's soul to cakey heaven as it was sacrificed to the gods of confectionary, Simon looked to Nick who was solemnly holding the cake, steady and reverently. "Nick, would you like to say a few words...?"

Nick held back his tears. It always hurt a little to see some cakey goodness that was not entering his stomach. "I....sorry."

Simon could see that his friend was having difficulty.

"It's okay, Nick. It's ok..." Edgar comforted, laying a hand on Nick's shoulder. "Farewell, sweet cakey goodness," he murmured, turning to regard the glossy brown expanse of the cake's surface.

Flush.

And it was done.

The three amigos stood in silence for a moment until it was broken by Simon's incredulous cry.

"How can a toilet stand such cake!?"

They laughed their little hearts out. Edgar felt good.

Edgar turned and wrapped his two best friends in a warm hug. "You guys... I love you guys... SO. MUCH." He tightened the hug, thumping Nick and Simon on the back.

Nick and Simon shared a look of concern. Sure, they liked each other, but Edgar had never been so passionate like this. Was something wrong? Was he dying?

"Edgar..." Nick said slowly... "Is everything alright? You're not, I dunno, dying or something are you?" Because that would really suck."

Edgar blinked. "Really?" He thought. He couldn't just show how much he cared for him without it meaning that he was dying?

He shuffled uncomfortably, not really knowing what to say. Eventually, he decided to tell them the truth.

"You two... are my only friends. There, I said it. You guys are my only cake flushing amigos and... without you I'd probably commit suicide..." he cast his eyes to the ground and added. "Or actually eat all the cake and become really fat..."

Simon and Nick felt a rush of despair. "But Edgar, we thought you had loads of friends! The only reason we made Paul without you is because we thought you had Quentin Tarantino for company. How is he by the way?"

"I hate Quentin, that gossipy bitch. All he does is sit around and talk about Rose McGowan and how great he is and how awesome his movies are and how highly polished his ginormous chin is. Psh."

Woah. Simon and Nick hadn't had the faintest idea. Now they felt really guilty for their poor friend Edgar. "He could've been a part of Paul and not have to make that crappy Scott Pilgrim film!" Simon and Nick collectively thought.

Edgar's head drooped slightly as his expression of affection was met with silence. "It's ok guys..." Edgar mumbled. "I'm sorry for this awkwardness. I'll go back to my cinema and watch Hot Fuzz for the seventy-second time... You know it's really a very underrated film..." his voice trailed off as a single tear rolled down his cheek.

In that single tear Simon and Nick saw themselves. They saw what they had become. Monsters. Heartless betraying bastards.

They looked at each other and in that glance they silently communicated with each other. Simon grinned and turned back to look at the forlorn countenance of the bemourned Edgar Wright.

"Don't worry Eggy; we'll come too. I haven't seen Hot Fuzz for a while and, from what I can remember, I'm quite the bad ass in it.

"That you were, Peggster. That you were..." Edgar said as he lead the two of them into his secret basement cinema.

It was dark.

What could happen in that darkness, no one knew. But none of them expected what did happen...

The three cake-flushing amigos sat together in a prime spot, Nick still clinging to the remainder of the cake; a small chunk to flush later. As the three of them sat there, eating sweet popcorn, there came all of a sudden a great crashing sound as a massive hole was torn in the ceiling of the cinema.

It was none other than Edgar's arch enemey; Quentin Tarrantino.

"YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS I HATE YO- oh hey Edgar what's up best bud? Did you know that I am awesome and I have a chin and everyone worships me in the film world. You're nothing Edgar. But I still like you."

Edgar's head dropped. Quentin's comments hurt, as always.

Simon was not content to let this continue. He turned to Nick and said "Quick. you know what we have to do."

"No... do you... is that wise?" Nick asked with some trepidation.

"DAMMIT MAN, JUST GET THE CREME EGG!"

With speed surprising for a man of his stature, Nick set off into the kitchen, on the hunt for one of the rare treats, for that was whas was needed to transform humble and mild-mannered Edgar wright into *insert fanfare EGGY RITE.

SUPERHERO TO THE NERDS.

Whilst Nick sprinted upstairs to the kitchen, Edgar sat cowering in his cinema next to Quentin.

Simon watched on. He could see the hurt in Edgar's eyes as he listened to how bad a director he was and how terrible A Fistful of Fingers was. Nick would be back soon though. And then Edgar would transform once more, for the first time in years.

Meanwhile, Nick made a mess of the kitchen. He searched every drawer, but to no avail. There were only smarties "Edgar and his damn smarties!" Nick shouted, stressed by Simon's pressuring words.

"SIMONTHEREARENOEGGSWHEREARETHEY!" Nick called out, frantically throwing drawers all over the floor. Then he saw them; shining out from behind the back of a draw he had just yanked out, there rested the stash of ultimate creme eggs that Edgar had hidden for just such an occasion. With an exuberant fist pump he grabbed one of the treasured orbs of power and ran back to the cinema.

"TO EDGAR!" yelled Nick.

....

"THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!"

Nick kicked opened the door to the cinema. Edgar was now in tears, but Quentin showed no signs of stopping.

"Did you get one?!" cried Simon frantically

"One?" Nick asked as he wiped sweat from his forehead, "I got 20"

"Excellent!" Cried Simon and he quickly snatched one from Nick's clutches. Unwrapping it at high speed he darted over to Edgar, lifted his head and thrust the egg into his gaping mouth before moving his jaw and forcing him to chew. It had been years since Edgar had undergone this transdormation, was he still capable of it...?

"AGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Edgar, as he started ripping off his clothes The intense feeling of chocolate erupting from his skin was causing him so much pain, but all Simon and Nick could do was watch as their friend suffered. Edgar fell to the floor. He looked at his legs. "SO GOOEY!" he thought. This always happened in his transformation, he was tempted. He was tempted to take a bite out of himself, one of the many troubles of being Eggy Rite.

TBC...