Monday 30 August 2010
Thoughts
All of these thoughts and ideas race round my head. They disturb me and shock me and irritate me and hurt me. I'm a mess; a mixed up, stupid, angry, sad, overjoyed, ridiculous kid inside a 20 year olds body. I'm lost with no idea of what to do and what to say. I want to say things to people, I want to tell them how I feel but I can't. I'm afraid of the consequences. I'm afraid of the changes, the results. I'm afraid of myself.
I always hurt those people I care for most. I'm dangerous, I shouldn't be allowed to talk to people; I always end up causing them pain. Always. I hate being me... I'm not useful. I try and help, but I can't. And I'm too nice. I shouldn't be so nice, it only hurts people. I should be more of a douche; more mean, nasty. Maybe I'll do that; become meaner. That way people won't want to get to know me. They won't like me. They won't start to like me too much and I won't hurt them. I won't care about people, I won't ask how they are, I won't tell them I love them, I won't do things for them. Because that way, no one would want to be around me and then the only person I could hurt is myself.
I would so love to be able to do that. But I can't.
I care too much. I care too much about everyone. I give a shit whether or not they're having a good or a bad day. I couldn't become that person because I'd hate every day of my life more and more until I would do the world a favour and jump off a bridge.
I wish I didn't care.
But I do.
I can't change it. There are parts of me I can change... That is not one of them.
I hate it and I love it so much at the same time.
My head is such a mess.
I always hurt those people I care for most. I'm dangerous, I shouldn't be allowed to talk to people; I always end up causing them pain. Always. I hate being me... I'm not useful. I try and help, but I can't. And I'm too nice. I shouldn't be so nice, it only hurts people. I should be more of a douche; more mean, nasty. Maybe I'll do that; become meaner. That way people won't want to get to know me. They won't like me. They won't start to like me too much and I won't hurt them. I won't care about people, I won't ask how they are, I won't tell them I love them, I won't do things for them. Because that way, no one would want to be around me and then the only person I could hurt is myself.
I would so love to be able to do that. But I can't.
I care too much. I care too much about everyone. I give a shit whether or not they're having a good or a bad day. I couldn't become that person because I'd hate every day of my life more and more until I would do the world a favour and jump off a bridge.
I wish I didn't care.
But I do.
I can't change it. There are parts of me I can change... That is not one of them.
I hate it and I love it so much at the same time.
My head is such a mess.
Sunday 22 August 2010
Weekend
Yesterday was Saturday; a mystical day in which the majority of "normal people" chill out, relax, socialise, have fun and do general cool stuff. However, me being a weirdo, the norm is work: boring, uninspiring and dull work.
But yesterday... I ESCAPED! Okay, so it wasn't mainly to do anything fun; I went up to the YPBC camp site on the Friday and stayed over to help take down and pack up. However, it didn't take that long; we were gone by about 11 o'clock which was a relief to everyone. We had a great number of people there and everything went brilliantly well. Couldn't have hoped for a better day, weather-wise, either. It was beautiful - warm, sunny, nice breeze. I even managed to get a little bit of tannage going on (my neck is now rather toasted).
However, it was a little sad standing at the top of the camp site looking down towards the sea with wind gusting at my back. It was empty; the cookhouse was gone, the tents were gone, all the orange fencing was gone... I did get a little emotional, I must admit. I guess it's because it's been the best year I've had at camp so far. It was simply a week of legendary proportions. I even miss the weeks I didn't go to. But there is next year! Yes, I am already looking forward to it...
Once the dismantling of camp was over I had planned to be dropped home, to sit on teh interwebz, to do very litte and chill. But, oh no, there were better things to do; Norwich City vs Swansea. Bearing in mind I'm not that big a football fan, this was an unusual event for me. But there was a spare ticket going free; I wasn't going to say no. Football isn't really my thing; I find watching game after game boring; I can't be bothered to watch games involving teams I care nothing about. But I get into it when it's Norwich... I loved it; I'd never been to a Championship game before, only a friendly. The atmosphere was immense! I got straight into it and was shouting (probably completely useless) advice at the team. :P Although they did need to keep the ball down more and pass instead of hoofing it backwards to no one... Anyway. We won. The game was somewhat poor; we didn't play well at all. However, after a quality penalty save the team started to play. Then Swansea scored an own goal; the stadium exploded and we all started chanting "WHO ARE YA? WHO ARE YA?" Then we all started dancing... love it.
Then, in the last 4 minutes, Simeon Jackson in his second game for Norwich scored with a scorcher of a volley. And we all cheered our lungs out.
I now want a Norwich jersey. There's no way I'll ever become a proper football fan; I just can't be bothered with all that. I'm too much of a geek to let something as normal as football become part of my interests. It's just not compatible with my software.
This weekend has been great. I've loved having a Saturday off to do something Normal and not taking it off so I can do something specific...
That's all for now... ciao.
But yesterday... I ESCAPED! Okay, so it wasn't mainly to do anything fun; I went up to the YPBC camp site on the Friday and stayed over to help take down and pack up. However, it didn't take that long; we were gone by about 11 o'clock which was a relief to everyone. We had a great number of people there and everything went brilliantly well. Couldn't have hoped for a better day, weather-wise, either. It was beautiful - warm, sunny, nice breeze. I even managed to get a little bit of tannage going on (my neck is now rather toasted).
However, it was a little sad standing at the top of the camp site looking down towards the sea with wind gusting at my back. It was empty; the cookhouse was gone, the tents were gone, all the orange fencing was gone... I did get a little emotional, I must admit. I guess it's because it's been the best year I've had at camp so far. It was simply a week of legendary proportions. I even miss the weeks I didn't go to. But there is next year! Yes, I am already looking forward to it...
Once the dismantling of camp was over I had planned to be dropped home, to sit on teh interwebz, to do very litte and chill. But, oh no, there were better things to do; Norwich City vs Swansea. Bearing in mind I'm not that big a football fan, this was an unusual event for me. But there was a spare ticket going free; I wasn't going to say no. Football isn't really my thing; I find watching game after game boring; I can't be bothered to watch games involving teams I care nothing about. But I get into it when it's Norwich... I loved it; I'd never been to a Championship game before, only a friendly. The atmosphere was immense! I got straight into it and was shouting (probably completely useless) advice at the team. :P Although they did need to keep the ball down more and pass instead of hoofing it backwards to no one... Anyway. We won. The game was somewhat poor; we didn't play well at all. However, after a quality penalty save the team started to play. Then Swansea scored an own goal; the stadium exploded and we all started chanting "WHO ARE YA? WHO ARE YA?" Then we all started dancing... love it.
Then, in the last 4 minutes, Simeon Jackson in his second game for Norwich scored with a scorcher of a volley. And we all cheered our lungs out.
I now want a Norwich jersey. There's no way I'll ever become a proper football fan; I just can't be bothered with all that. I'm too much of a geek to let something as normal as football become part of my interests. It's just not compatible with my software.
This weekend has been great. I've loved having a Saturday off to do something Normal and not taking it off so I can do something specific...
That's all for now... ciao.
Thursday 19 August 2010
mildly moist
Well, I thought it was about time I re-emerged from my pit.
Hi, how we all doing? Hope you're all well. I dunno why I say "all", I doubt anyone reads this. But anyway, lets hear it for optimism! ...No one...? Okay then...
Today has been a pretty awesome day; camp is coming to an end for another year and Abi and I spent the day there. Unbeknown to us, it was the day of the water games. Had Abi and I known there were water games today we would have bought a change of clothes... but we didn't. We tried to avoid a dousing however, we were somewhat unsuccessful. I got off pretty lightly if I'm honest; water balloon to the back, cup of water over the head. Abi wasn't so lucky... She got dragged down the water slide... and got very very wet. I found it quite humorous. Abi not so much.
However, we really went there for one thing and one thing only: the talent show. It's always something special, and this year it was particularly so. Johnny and Steve were hosting it... It was awesome. They were a police man and a robber, tennis players, people having an argument in a library, a surfer drowning and a lifeguard... And much more. It was hilarious, I don't think I've laughed so much in ages. At one point a group of girls decided to pull members of the audience up to the front and ask them questions; get them right, you get sweets... get them wrong and you get a water balloon burst over your head. I was called out. I got my question wrong... :P There were many acts put on but I really think the highlight was the return of Fake That; as far as camp is concerned, the ONLY Take That cover act. I was, of course, participating. It was immense, even if I do say so myself. The audience were singing along, clapping and swaying their hands in the air. It was a wonderful moment and, I won't lie, it did bring a little tear to my eye. We're going up again tomorrow till Saturday for take down.
Camp's coming to an end again; these 4 weeks always seem to go by so fast! A normal week usually drags on, it seems to last a month. But these weeks on camp go by so quickly, its unbelievable. The week on young Christian's camp felt like it had barely started and then it was over. Camp is always amazing but this year it seemed that little bit more special; I'm not sure what it was that made it so good. The teaching I got was class as always, and the fellowship I had with other Christians was beaut; I'll always miss it. Friday and Saturaday we're going to be packing everything up, saying goodbye to the site and everything used at camp and it is gonna be kinda sad.
However, all good things must come to an end. Bring on next year!
Hi, how we all doing? Hope you're all well. I dunno why I say "all", I doubt anyone reads this. But anyway, lets hear it for optimism! ...No one...? Okay then...
Today has been a pretty awesome day; camp is coming to an end for another year and Abi and I spent the day there. Unbeknown to us, it was the day of the water games. Had Abi and I known there were water games today we would have bought a change of clothes... but we didn't. We tried to avoid a dousing however, we were somewhat unsuccessful. I got off pretty lightly if I'm honest; water balloon to the back, cup of water over the head. Abi wasn't so lucky... She got dragged down the water slide... and got very very wet. I found it quite humorous. Abi not so much.
However, we really went there for one thing and one thing only: the talent show. It's always something special, and this year it was particularly so. Johnny and Steve were hosting it... It was awesome. They were a police man and a robber, tennis players, people having an argument in a library, a surfer drowning and a lifeguard... And much more. It was hilarious, I don't think I've laughed so much in ages. At one point a group of girls decided to pull members of the audience up to the front and ask them questions; get them right, you get sweets... get them wrong and you get a water balloon burst over your head. I was called out. I got my question wrong... :P There were many acts put on but I really think the highlight was the return of Fake That; as far as camp is concerned, the ONLY Take That cover act. I was, of course, participating. It was immense, even if I do say so myself. The audience were singing along, clapping and swaying their hands in the air. It was a wonderful moment and, I won't lie, it did bring a little tear to my eye. We're going up again tomorrow till Saturday for take down.
Camp's coming to an end again; these 4 weeks always seem to go by so fast! A normal week usually drags on, it seems to last a month. But these weeks on camp go by so quickly, its unbelievable. The week on young Christian's camp felt like it had barely started and then it was over. Camp is always amazing but this year it seemed that little bit more special; I'm not sure what it was that made it so good. The teaching I got was class as always, and the fellowship I had with other Christians was beaut; I'll always miss it. Friday and Saturaday we're going to be packing everything up, saying goodbye to the site and everything used at camp and it is gonna be kinda sad.
However, all good things must come to an end. Bring on next year!
Sunday 8 August 2010
Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. They are fast, faster than you could believe, don't turn your back, don't look away, and don't blink. Good luck.
Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. They are fast, faster than you could believe, don't turn your back, don't look away, and don't blink. Good luck., originally uploaded by itspaulkelly.
Well I'm back and I thought I might as well start of with this photo. It's one of my favourite pictures I've found on flickr, mainly for the Doctor Who reference. But, nonetheless, it's a really nice photo. I love these stone statues manily because they're so eerily still and almost creepily peaceful... And then there's the association with Doctor Who; that possibility that as soon as you blink it could be gone... Or at your throat. There's always going to be a little bit of me that would love it if, one day, I was looking at a statue of an Angel and it moved as I blinked.
That's a plus of having a vivid imagination; some times, I'm not totally sure that they haven't moved, even if it's only a tiny bit... But that's just me and the kid I am. I'm fascinated by seemingly impossibilities. Things that the grown up world know are impossible; things that can not happen in real life. There's a little saying that I've grown to love: nothing is impossible, merely mathematically improbable.
Anyway, I'm going to get back into blogging soon. I've been a bit slack, not a lot's been going on and I feel boring... Anyway, ttyl.
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