Purpose. Grace.

I constantly have trouble with myself. I feel like I'm currently going nowhere and that I will always be going nowhere. I have no self belief and hardly any self confidence. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to believe that I'm going places; that I'm destined for bigger things. However, sometimes the only thing that I truly believe is that I'm going to be stuck at Roys for the rest of my life, moving up until I'm the head of fashions, spending all my time and money out side of Roys on my Gundams and living my life as a reclusive, awkward, lonely uber-geek at the end of which I would die old, cold and alone...
Now, don't get me wrong, I don't feel like that all the time. There are people in my life that make me believe that one day I might actually find someone. That I am mildly attractive and not a hopelessly ugly troll. That all my idiosincracies and my weirdness are good things. That I'm not a useless speck on this planet that will never have any impact on anything worthwhile... They're so good to me and I love them so much.
One of these people told me something and I know she has no idea what it did for me and to me. She told me "if it wasn't for you I'd be on antidepressants and I'd be playing with blades."
I know you'll read this and all I can say is thank you. Thank you for reminding me that I have a point; that I can make a difference. <3

Yesterday I was having a rant to mum. I ranted about everything; how I feel lost and alone, how I feel like there's nothing going on in my life nor will there ever be. I was hurting... a lot. I felt useless and hopeless and completely and utterly insignificant. What is my purpose? What is the point to me?
And then I remembered. Love is my point. I'm not good at much. But one thing I'm good at is love. One thing I can do is take the grace God has shown to me and turn it on other people. I care too much and I love too deeply, but that's not a bad thing.
I have a theory, well... not really a theory. A picture, an allegory, a metaphor. I believe that our souls, the things that make us us are made up of billions of tiny little pieces. When we become close to someone, whether it's through friendship or through being in a relationship, the peices can transfer. A peice of you can switch for a peice of the other person. You rub off on other people...
There's a quote by Chuck Palahnuick that I love; "Nothing of me is original, I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known." And that is exactly how I feel. When we rub up against people in life we leave parts of ourselves, of who we are on them. It can help turn them into a better person or it can bring them down. You just have to make sure that what you leave behind is good.

That's all for now...