paranoia

I don't normally get paranoid. It's unsual and I don't like it.
Tonight, I am.
This doesn't happen to me very often; but sometimes I get the feeling that my friends are using me. Like they're only around because they get something from me, because I am "useful" and as soon as I stop being useful or as stop giving them the thing that they want they'll drop me. They'll walk out of my life and I'll be left alone.
I know that this is, most likely, totally not true. But the small voice that sits in the back of my consciousness shouting this is very convincing sometimes. And it hurts. The thought of it hurts so so much. I've had people that I thought were the best of friends, and friends that would never hurt me, stab me in the back. Betray me. Turn around and leave me. And I don't want it to happen again. I can't take it.
It's the only thing I'm afraid of more than clowns: losing the people I love and being left alone. The majority of the time I'm completely sure that I will be... And I hate it when my mind makes up nonexistant shit like this that is so very very convincing.
I know... I'm sure that this is crap that my mind is making up.
But it's really really convincing crap...