Concentration or lack of it.

I am really frustrated with how my coursework is going currently. Or, to be more accurate, with how I am doing. I can't focus and I don't know why. I have an essay to write which is due in about two weeks but I've tried to write it over two days. I should be able to write it in that space of time however I can't properly knuckle down and get on with it. My mind wanders all over the place. It's terrible because I can slowly feel the panic setting in. When I'm alone and quiet with nothing on my mind, the devil pops up, I imagine looking distinctly like the trollface meme, and reminds me of how badly I failed the last course. How epically I fell behind because I couldn't focus, because I had very little concentration. I hate it; I honestly don't know why it happens. I start up, open words and start writing. "Yes," I say to myself, "I will get this done TODAY!" However, I know I won't because I'm on a laptop and the call of youtube and tumblr and facebook are all far too alluring. I wish I could just knuckle down, focus, knock the essay out of the way and then piss about online. It makes no sense to me; I am so stressed about these courses; I just realised that I was clenching my teeth just typing about it. I need to focus.

But, it's like there's this un-fightable urge that just pulls my cursor over to the firefox icon. I should be able to just go "no, this has to be done." But I find it too difficult. Maybe I need to delete my facebook and my tumblr... But that'd be hard. I'd find alternatives. I just need self discipline and I wish I knew how to impliment it. I wish I knew how to put it into place but the fact of the matter is, my mind is empty. I feel full of useless facts, nerdy stuff and geekery. But when it comes to stuff that is actually useful, well, that's a totally different story.

I don't know why I find it so difficult to focus and it worries me. I feel like I won't be good enough and fail. I feel like I'll get most of the way through and then crash and burn. But I can't let that happen again, I just can't. I can't take it... My head can't take it. Oh sure, I could let it happen but that's another freaking year wasted and another nail in the coffin of my degree hopes. I will never get a degree if I fail this. I'll simply get a full time job at Roys and disappear quietly into the background, never doing anything worthwhile. Just stripping out clothes for the rest of my lonely life. My cold, empty, lonely life... I can't let that happen, I just can't do it. I won't do it.

I have to succeed. I am not optimistic. I have no self-belief. I have no confidence in my abilities to succeed. But that is all irrelevant. I have to pass these courses or else I will never be able to do anything worthwhile with my life. I have to...