mankind

"I am an incurable romantic. I believe in hope, dreams and decency, love, tenderness and kindness. I believe in mankind." - Leonard Nimoy

This is me. I often wonder if I'm the only one that sees like this. The glass is half full. I see the good in people and places. Life is far too short to go about it worrying about the bad. You see, the rain may be cold and it may soak you through; but the heaviest showers produce the most beautiful rainbows. Now, that's a really really cheesy line to use. But it's true. There is always something to smile about. Always. Always.

Chinese Proverb

Kissing is like drinking salted water; you drink and your thirst increases.

I find it to be most correct.

Confusion

I know what I want.

How much do I want it?

Am I willing to sacrifice something amazing for it?

No. I don't think I am.

To gain something awesome but, more than likely, temporary I will have to lose something awesome that is likely to last for a very very long time.

Is it worth it?

No, I don't think it is.

*

These thoughts, they do fly around my mind in a haze of confusion. However, I think some sense is being made.
Thank goodness.

Have belts been banned?

This was a letter sent in to a local newspaper and I find it funny enough to archive here.

"A small plea to Norwich's fashionable young men: we need more of you out on the streets in those trousers with the crotch worn half way to the knee.
Why?
Life for us adults is often worrying and/ or boring and we need as many laughs as we can get. You see, lads, when you walk in those trousers like toddlers with full nappies to those strolling behind you.
Honourable mention to an advanced practitioner seen recently whose gravity-defying waistband clung to the edge of his posterior with most of his underwear on show. A small wager was lost when the garment failed to fall in true slapstick tradition.
Then a chance conversation with a friend made me feel ashamed.
Did I not realise that the Health and Safety Executive has confiscated all belts from males under 21? This is to prevent dangerous wardrobe malfunctions. Belt lisences can be obtained from HSE subject to the applicant producing a valid NVQ Level 2 in common sense.
Being neither common nor sensible, I won't be permitted to enrol on this course myself and will have to be content with my advanced degree in mickey-taking from a disreputable university.
Sabbath Raven,
Barnards Yard, Norwich."

This bloke is a legend. Well said haha. I laughed so hard when I read this for the first time.

Between waking and sleeping

I don't like that moment. That period you spend lying in the dark, waiting for sleep to come, when you think of everything and nothing. Everything you want comes to mind and everything in your life that you hate becomes completely obvious.
I hate this moment. As I lie in bed I feel my loneliest, no sounds, no one around. For once I want to feel someone there when I sleep. Not, like, in a sexual way. I want to feel someone next to me as I sleep. I want to hear breaths that aren't mine. Just, I don't know. I just want to fall asleep without feeling alone for once.
As I lie in that time between wake and sleep I see what I want. It's just one thing. And I worry that I'll never find it. Yeah, that's why I don't go to bed that early. The sleepier I am, the shorter this time is.

And on that note, I'm off to stalk tumblr until my eyes start to close. Ciao.

quick changes

Last night wasn't great. I have reasonably frequent bouts of loneliness, one of which occured last night. However, it wasn't that bad. Well, it wasn't at first. I then decided to watch Love Actually. That didn't help at all. Yeah, it sort of made the pain of loneliness more acute... I don't like that film, it made my heart hurt. :/ Went to bed missing Minna like crazy and wishing I had someone. Not a fun night.
But now, today. Today was better. I woke up knowing that I had money in the bank. And a pretty good amount. It was time for some much needed retail therapy. Now, it's somewhat of a myth that only the ladies enjoy retail therapy. Us guys just tend to do it a little less than the ladies... And we tend to bring back slightly less... :P Anyway, a good and successful morning was had. I came home with a new pair converses and JEANS! :O Honestly, finding jeans that fit and look good is nigh impossible. Chalk one up for Burton.
Then I went to the cathedral and chilled for a bit. I really love it there, so peaceful. Follwing the cathedral, I went for a bit of a walk down by the river and then home. A good day was indeed had.

Wow

Self confidence is on a massive up lately. This is pleasing to me. I don't like being shy and the fact that my confidence is growing is great news to me.
For example. Yesterday, I went out with my mum and Abi for Mum's B'day meal. The waitress that served us had some of the most incredible eyes I'd ever seen. No lie, they were a gorgeous turquouise colour. They were stunning. And so, after we'd finished, I told her that I thought they were stunning.
Now, this may be nothing to anyone reading. It may seem like something small and... yeah, nothing major. But for me, to go up to someone I don't know and have never seen before and compliment them is just something I don't do. Ever. I was a little shocked that I actually had the courage to do it. It's a good thing. A very good thing.

Converses pour Gemma

OoOoOoOo, Yummay.

What a day...

What a great day it's been.
Today, I had something that I don't get very often; an empty house. OH YES! The house was all miiine mua hahahahaha... *ahem* Mumah and Abi, along with some friends, took a trip out to Nottingham to go ice skating. I think it was Nottingham... Does Nottingham have an ice rink? I could easily google that right now... But I won't. Anyway, this meant that I got to take my music outside of my room. And by music I mean mainly Muse. Mum and Abi aren't too appreciative of the Muse sound and so I have to confine it to my room and keep it at a reasonable volume. I can't be bothered to deal with mum/ Abi yelling at me to turn it down.
But today... Oh, today was a different story... Out come the cds and up goes the volume! I spent a large part of this morning moshing in my living room/ kitchen. It was glorious, indeed.
It was pretty nice to have the place to myself. To be able to sing as loud as I friggin want without having anyone say "ugh, Ben shu'up! You're always singing and it's so annoying!" Well pardon me for being cheerful. Grumpy guts. Imagine it, Microcuts and Citizen Erased. Me singing at the top of my lungs and NO ONE telling me to stop. Beautiful. It's amazing the joy that it can bring.
And then this afternoon I actually got out of the house! I know! How unusual for me! But anyway, yay for socialising! I met up with the most epic Gemma and Andy (whom brought me the sweet, joyous gift of hot lava java coffee. <3)

thoughts

As he lay there on the grass his senses were alive. He looked up at the night sky and saw the stars, knowing that there were many millions more up there and only the brightest shone throught the light pollution from the city. He felt the breeze over his bare arms, tickling and caressing his skin. He heard the birds singing, bidding the sun farewell; singing it to sleep maybe. He smelt the sweet smell of the cool, damp ground combined with the smell of the recently cut grass. And it was at this moment that he realised how very much alone he was. He wished that there was someone lying next to him. How he wished that the gentle touches he felt on his arm weren't just the wind. Of all the millions of people on Earth, there must be one for me he wondered.
Where was she?
Maybe this was all he was destined to know. Lonlieness.
He prayed that it wasn't.

The new trend

This post is likely to turn into one massive rant. I am just warning you.

I'm seeing something lately amongst the young ladies of my generation and I'm finding it disappointing. There appears to be a rise in a "all guys are a'holes" attitude. I find this very sad and disappointing. But, generally, it's not the girls' fault. Sure, there are some girls in existence that are completely horrible and do their best to invite/ deserve general douchery on the guys front. But who I am sad about and disappointed in are the guys. I've had it with seeing "guy X messed around with girl Y and messed her about" etc etc. It disgusts me. Every single guy that has ever treated a girl like she is worthless, like she's dirt and like she doesn't matter deserves a solid punch. This saddens me and disgusts me, mainly because when people get to know me and find out that I'm actually a nice guy it's like some kind of surprise! Like the natural form of man is le douché and I'm some kind of weird and rare sub-species. It shouldn't be like this.
Nice guys do exist, contrary to popular belief. There are guys that are gentlemanly and treat women how they should be treated. We are around, but the thing is we don't make as much noise as le douché so we often go unnoticed.
I apologies for each and every douche.
This has got me so angry. Get a grip, men of the world. Stop acting like complete idiots and be actual men. Not simply biologically men.
Women of the world, don't give up on us.

Looking up?

I'm not so sure about that. I have no doubt that very soon I'll be back to my old ways.
But, for now, I'm good. Today has been a good day :) "Spring fever" is in the air and it's filling me with a desire for adventure. Well... I always want adventures. But this is making me even more up for one.
The weather today was great. It was so good to wake up to see sun and no clouds. It was good to get out and to feel the warm sun on my skin. I went out and mowed the lawn and that perfected it. A warm, sunny day and the sweet smell of fresh cut grass made it seem like summer was just around the corner. Finally, I start to feel a little good about being here and being alive.
After a good morning I then got to go and watch Surrey Chapel football team play NCBC. It was such an exciting game, we were all there cheering on the boys in green. In the first half we pulled ahead to make it 3-0. We were away and flying. But the team took their foot off the gas. They got complacant. NCBC then started to pull it back. 1...2...3... equalized. Then boom, another goal was sunk; 3-4. Everyone was cheering on the guys, trying to encourage them. After a bit of a tussle at the opposition's goal, we somehow sunk another goal. Back to 4-4, could we pull ahead?
No. It was too late; full time. Now, we go to penalties. This is where we failed. We couldn't keep it up. We lost, 5 - 4 in penalties.
NCBC had the edge, they were the better team on the night. Both teams played out of their skin. It was an awesome game and my voice is a little tired from it now.
The battle wasn't without it's casualties. Dave Brown, the man; the legend, was taken out by a terrible tackle. He got a boot to the side of the knee and he went down hard. Everyone (including him) thought it was broken. Fortuntely, it wasn't - just very very very sore and it bruised very quickly. Hopefully, he'll back up on it again soon.
And then tonight I got to talk to Minna again. I love talking to her, it's always good fun and generally random. It was a particularly weird talk tonight, but it was fun. She's always good to talk to. We ended up talking for about 2 hours, even though she was tired and we said we were only going to skype for a little while... lol. Oh well, I'm not complaining.

All in all, it has been a nice day and one I can not complain about.

Where am I going?

I don't know. I have ideas. I have things I want to do, places I want to go. It's not as if I have no choices and no ideas about life. But I can't see where I'm going.
Now, I know that no one can see the future. It's the future, it's undiscovered. It's unmade. But the thing is, I have no clue what direction to take. It seems as if the majority of people I know have some idea of where they're going. Where they're going to end up. But me; I'm lost and I'm blind without any sense of direction, no light and no compass.
Worse, I feel like I'm doing it alone. I feel like I have no one here that is really on the same level as I am.
Emo Ben is emo. :P

Norwich Cathedral

I think I may have found my spot.
You know, everyone has a spot that they love. Somewhere that doesn't change, yet you love to sit there. You can sit there for hours and hours and just feel the world slip by while you couldn't care less about the passing time. It's just you.
Everyone's spot is different; everyone's spot has something special. Whatever that is, it can be spectacular, it can be subtle, it can be huge, it can be tiny, it can be beautiful, it can be dull. Whatever it is, to you it's magical. And I have found my spot.
This afternoon I was in Norwich with no plans. At all. I wandered about Norwich, no where new. I know pretty much all of it by now so I decided to go where I haven't been for a while; Norwich Cathedral.
I love wandering round the cloisters. Seriously, I must have walked round them 5 times? I don't know why, I guess because it's so peaceful there. It's out of the way of the city, hardly any people, barely any noise from the cars. Peace. Seclusion.
It was here that I found my spot. North side of the cloisters, second opening from the end, against the left pillar looking out into the grassy centre.
This is my view:
This is my spot.

Goodnight.

THAT'S IT

I'm done. Yep, I've had enough. I can't do it any more, literally. I physically can't do any more coursework. Literally, I can't make myself do it. Whenever I sit down to study I can't make myself do it; my mind won't focus, I can't take any notes. I read the words but it means nothing to me, nothing goes in and it becomes apparent when I get to the assignments it becomes apparent that I haven't learned what I need to learn. It's causing me far more stress than it's worth and so enough I say! I can't take it any more.

I give up. I am dropping this course. You can try and convince me to keep going, but it will have no effect. I am resolute. The stress and the strain is far too much and I can't take it any more. This was the wrong course for me, I am 100% sure of it. It's not something I want to pursue any further after this is over so there's really no point in carrying on. That's not to say I'm leaving the OU behind totally; in the Autumn I'm going to start a new course, something I actually want to do. That is most likely going to be a languange course, probably Italian. Over the summer I'm hoping to get out and do some work of the sort I enjoy, active and hands on. I can never work in an office job or something like that. I need to do something physical and creative.

And now, I believe it is time to go out and get my hair lopped off. The mop needs to go.

That's my king - Dr S. M. Lockridge

The bible says my king is the king of the jews.
He's the king of Israel.
He's the king of righteousness.
He's the king of the ages.
He's the king of heaven.
He's the king of glory.
He's the king of kings, and he's the lord of lords.
That's my king! I wonder, do you know him?
My king is a sovereign king.
No means of measure can define his limitless love.
He's enduringly strong.
He's entirely sincere.
He's eternally steadfast.
He's immortally graceful.
He's imperially powerful.
He's impartially merciful.
Do you know him?
He's the greatest phenomenon that has ever crossed the horizon of this world.
He's God's son.
He's the sinner's saviour.
He's the centerpiece of civilisation.
He's unparalleled.
He's unprecedented.
He is the loftiest idea in literature.
He's the highest personality in philosophy.
He's the fundamental doctrine of true theology.
He's the only one qualified to be an all sufficient saviour.
I wonder if you know him today?
He supplies strength to the weak.
He's available for the tempted and the tried.
He sympathizes and he saves.
He strengthens and sustains.
He guards and he guides.
He heals the sick.
He cleansed the lepers.
He forgives sinners.
He discharges debtors.
He delivers the captive.
He defends the weak.
He blesses the young.
He serves the unfortunate.
He regards the aged.
He rewards the diligent.
He beautifies the meek.
I wonder if you know him?
He's the key to knowledge.
He's the well spring of wisdom.
He's the doorway of deliverence.
He's the pathway of peace.
He's the roadway of righteousness.
He's the highway of holiness.
He's the gateway of glory.
Do you know him?
His life is matchless.
His goodness is limitless.
His mercy is everlasting.
His love never changes.
His word is enough.
His grace is sufficient.
His reign is righteous.
His yoke is easy.
His burden is light.
I wish I could describe him to you.
He's indescribable.
He's incomprehensable.
He's invincible.
He's irresistable.
You can't get him out of your mind.
You can't get him off of your hand.
You can't outlive him.
You can't live without him.
The pharisees couldn't stand him, but they found out they couldn't stop him.
Pilate couldn't find any fault in him.
Herod couldn't kill him.
Death couldn't handle him.
And the grave couldn't hold him.

That's my king.

I can say no more.

Okay, it's time to rant

Let me try and explain this because you’re all obviously far too narrow minded to understand. Minna is awesome. She’s one of my best friends. She’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I know that I can go to her with anything because, to her, it matters and I hope she feels that she can come to me with anything. She cares about what’s going on in my life and I care about what’s going on in her life. So why does this seem so shocking? Is it because she’s from a different country and we have to work to stay friends? I can't just hang out with her because I feel like it. We actually have to want to stay friends otherwise we can just disappear out of each others lives. Delete each other from facebook, msn, skype and delete each others numbers and that’s it. Were gone from each others lives. Why is it so shocking that I have a best friend who happens to be a girl, who lives in Sweden and who has a boyfriend? Would it be so shocking if she was a guy? No. I seriously doubt it. Yes, you’re right. We do look quite close in those 2 pictures on facebook. Can you blame us? It was the first time we’d ever, EVER met in real life for crying out loud! I think we are allowed to hug and take pictures of ourselves hugging to record our first meeting.
And why keep asking if it’s still just friendship!? Every time you see me you ask it. Of course it’s still just friendship! I hate that as soon as a guy has a healthy friendship with a girl everyone automatically assumes that there is something more than friendship there. In that case, let me reassure you.
WE.
ARE.
JUST.
BEST.
FRIENDS.
No, I do not think of her as anything more than a friend. I love her, yes. I lover her a lot. So what. Loving someone and being in love with them are two very different things. So where is the issue here? I don’t see any? Am I only allowed to have best friends that are guys? Well, tough cookies. I get along better with girls than guys. It’s just who I am. I guess that comes from living so long with just my mum and my sister. I’ve had to learn the best ways to get along with them.

If I’m honest, I’m so so thankful Minna doesn’t live here. If she did, I’m pretty sure that you lot would have ruined our friendship totally. Cheers.

If I’m honest, I’d say that you’re jealous. You could never imagine having a friend as awesome as her.

Every day is exactly the same

I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

*

First song of the day: Nine Inch Nails - Every Day is Exactly the Same
Truer words were never spoken.

THE 'DO.

Rock on.

Friends: life without them is empty

Compared to some, I don't have a lot of friends. There are some people you see with dozens and dozens of friends and they hang out in mahoosive groups. That is not for me. I'm a "less is more" kinda guy. I have a relatively small circle of friends but most of them I can go to for anything. And I mean anything. Some I can go to for certain things, others for other things, and some for absolutely anything. I am so thankful for the friends I have. Now, this post may come accross as a little soppy and all that, but I'm a soppy guy... So sue me. :P
I literally wouldn't know what I'd do if I didn't have the friends I do have. They've helped me through hard times in my life. They've shared my deepest, darkest secrets. They've made me laugh. They've cried with me. They've put up with my moaning, whining, groaning, mumbling and grumbling about the most stupid things. They've shared some of the best moments in my life. They've taught me new things about myself. They've held a mirror up to me and shown me what kind of person I am. They've given me more self confidence than I've ever had. They've proven that my trust is well placed, many a time. They've seen me at my best. They've seen me at my worst.
So, here's to you, all of my wonderful, amazing, rock solid, always there, charming, sweet, beautiful, sometimes troubled, caring, gorgeous, silly, crazy, weird, goofy, incredible, new, old, male, female, perfect... oh so perfect friends.
I love you all far too much.
And I don't deserve you.

To the friends of my past. You may be gone, but you're still a part of me. I'll never forget you.
Timothy Atkinson; one of the best friends I've ever had. The times we spent just being random and crazy were some of the best ever. I do miss you. People change. Did we grow apart? Maybe we just grew in different ways. I'm not sure I'll ever know.

And here it is again

Why? Why did you have to come down on me again? Stupid coursework.
I can't do it. It's not so much a case of I don't want to do it or I don't feel like doing it (both are very true). I just literally can't do it! No matter how I try, I still can't do it. Nothing goes in; I take notes, I read the material but nothing seems to go in... When it comes to assignments I have no clue what to answer. Nothing goes into my head and I can't stand it anymore.
The worst thing is, I know it now. Before I could happily (well... happily is a relative term in this scenario) plod along with my coursework and take in rubbish that bears no relevance to everything whilst the important stuff slips under the radar, hidden in amongst pointless superfluousnessand then when it came to the assignments I would freak out because I didn't know what I need to.
Now when I'm doing this coursework I'm totally aware that I have no idea what I'm reading, I have no idea of what I should be taking in and everything I am taking in is useless.
I am going to fail this course so badly and I really don't care. I want it to be over. I want it to be gone so I can go and have some fun and then sort out a blacksmithing apprenticeship. I just cannot take it any more, I can't bring myself to do anything. It just isn't working for me anymore. I want to do well, don't get me wrong. I don't like the idea of crashing and burning; in fact I hate it. I want to succeed, just not with this. I tried; I tried my absolute hardest, but it just didn't work. It's not that my hardest wasn't hard enough, I just think that it was in the wrong direction. Like... I don't know what I mean. My hardest was the wrong type for this.
I so want to be a blacksmith. I will be a blacksmith. I'm going to make it happen. I really really want it.

I can't take this any more. I really, really can't. I'm going to break soon, I know it. I can feel it. I'm going to go out and do something extraordinary. I don't care what anyone says, I wasn't made to live this boring, run-of-the-mill life forever. I need to do something.

And I've just polished off an entire bag of rasperry licorice... I iz a piggeh...

Don't blink...

You might miss something beautiful.

Well, I'm back

This has been a most excellent few days away.

Past few weeks I've been so unbelievably stressed/ worked up/ mentally drained that I seriously needed some time away. And, right when I needed it, I get a break. A few days away from Norwich and too many houses and cars and too many people. Yes! Thank you Lord! Not a moment too soon.
Fields and trees and lots of stars and horses and, most importantly...
Very.
Few.
People.
I'm not going to lie, it was a very small chunk of paradise. Right now, despite being back home, I feel relaxed and pretty good. My mind has had a good rest and I'm ready to take on life again. I'm not looking forward to it, but I think I'm ready for it... I hope I am...
It was a good few days, I have some good friends down that way so I got to meet up with them. Tuesday I went into Bury St Edmunds for the day. Spent the day wandering aimlessly about, with no real reason or plan. I had a good time, got a few cds and a dvd and had one of the most obscure and unusual phone conversations ever. It was with one of my best friends, Alice. Yeah... It was somewhat surreal, but great. I almost stole a giant rubber duck from an O2 shop and I had it all planned out how I was going to do it (with the help of Alice). I was going to hide it under my shirt and then, when asked about it, I was going to say it was a tumor... What!? It could have worked...
Then Alice decided to steal our sunshine and replace it with her gloomy weather; it rained. Hard. But it was all good because, during the downpour, we met up with Chris and Tim and got some food. Randomness ensued... and it was glorious. In the course of the madness we have discovered that there are multiple species of chav. Yeah, it was a good day. Mr Christopher Honeyball, professer of Chavology, revealed his findings to us.
One thing I found; Chris loves barbecue sauce with his fries. Like, a lot! He used about 5 tubs of the stuff... I'm surprised McDonalds didn't charge him for it... well, he's a student. You know what they're like. They take all they can get. :P After the children (a.k.a Chris, 20; Tim, 24) had some fun and games with my drink and my fries, we met up with Andy and the harbinger of doom (his girlfriend, Gemma). Much more randomness ensued. It was marvellous.
After some wandering and chatting about, well, nothing really. Just randomness. :P That's always good fun. Then came time to obtain some food for Andy and Gemma seeing as they arrived too late to partake of macdonalds; Subway for them (I think they got the better end of the stick). We all sat and watched them eat. It was entertaining. We all sat upstairs in subway, by the barrier and it was so tempting to steal pieces of lettuice and throw them over the edge. Yeah, I know. We're all highly mature... :D Then came cinema times; Bounty Hunter. I wasn't expecting much from it but, you know what? I liked it. It passed the Kermodian 5 laugh rule; I laughed about 6 times (I mean real laughs, not minor chuckles). It was better than I expected. I was pleasantly surprised.

It was great to get away from everything, but I'm kinda glad to be back. I missed talking to my internet friends (mainly because some of them are better friends than some of my real friends). I'm relaxed now and I'm happy. Coursework can go stuff itself... I really don't care. I'm failing my course no matter what I do, I might as well go out fighting. Imma do all I can to complete it, but there's no use in crying over spilt milk. I know what I want to do; I want to be a blacksmith. And the OU can't get me there.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Hopefully, I should be getting something through the post from Minna, although what it is I have no idea >_< She's so sneaky, making me all curious. I have a special way I have to open it... I'll report back once I know what it is.
That's all for now, CIAO!