Live and Learn

I fail.

And I don't mean that in the interwebs-speek definition of fail, i.e. to do something a bit silly. I mean to actually fail; to do the opposite of succeeding at something.

I feel that that's happened today. Several times actually. Uuugh, it's so frustrating and... You know, the only way I can put it is saddening. It disappoints me because I know that I have behaved in way which is not fitting for someone who openly claims to be a Christian, which I am. That is something I have absolutely zero doubts about. But I look back on this day and say "Today, 'the man' won..." That part of me which wants what I want and that wants to do what I want to do got away with it and it really disappoints me. It's no one's fault but my own and I know that I am the only one that can be held accountable for it.

Today's post comes to you from disappointment, guilt and regret land. I just feel like I've indulged in something that I shouldn't have, and now I look back at it and it was really good but unsatisfying. And now I just feel like it was something that I should have just avoided. Oh what I'd do for a TARDIS right now.

The thing I need to remember is this; I am human. I will fail and I will do things which end up being stupid ideas which seemed great at the time. But I still feel like I was foolish and impulsive. I am nowhere near perfect and I've never felt that fact more keenly than right now. I am so ultimately selfish that it makes me ashamed to show my face some days. What is in me that is of any worth? There's not a lot, and this isn't just me being self-deprecating old me. It's fact. There is nothing in me that can possibly make me worthy of the title "born-again Christian". There's just nothing there... Nothing of worth. That's a fact; there is nothing in me that is worthy of the blood of Christ and if anyone says that they are worthy, well, they've got another thing coming. But I just feel so acutely the fact that I am so so selfish and so full of myself. I hold so much back and hold onto so much that would make me better off if I just let go of it.
I'm imperfect. I accept this. I have no trouble accepting this because I see that fact exhibited in my life every single day. And I see God's ultimate perfection which I have access to. But I need to let go of me, and hold onto Him.

This is it. I am letting go of my failures. I regret, I feel conviction... and I have to move forward, holding fast to the Lord. As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12

I don't really know what I'm writing any more; I'm just going off on one of those "out-pourings". Just open up and let it out type things. You know what, no one needs to read this. It's kinda gone really inward, if that makes sense. Mirroring... Looking into and at myself. I'm sorry, this is a really kinda uninteresting post to anyone else and I know that most people reading this would a-roll the eyes and mutter something about "God-botherers".
But the truth is, I need this blog. I need to be able to "bleed" a little, as it were. I'm the sort of person that is always there for other people and is always willing to lend a listening ear, no matter when or where. But, as is the plight of most listeners, we have very few people to no one that is there to listen to us. And so we blog and we write and we tell everyone and no one.

I'll leave this now. I've spilled out enough random words that happened to form reasonably coherent sentences...
Goodnight.